So. My blog is back. To be honest, I am restarting this blog because so many of you keep asking me to because for some reason you enjoyed reading it and keep asking why I stopped it which, in all honesty was because my anxiety hated it. To be fair my anxiety hates everything I do so what the hell.
I have absolutely no idea where to start with an update on life, I guess if you follow me on instagram you’ll have a very good insight and I can’t thank you all enough to be honest. For everyone else, I have actually been doing pretty well in some ways since I ditched this blog, I have had some amazing experiences being a nanny, I got a new car, had a few holidays but. Now… things are… interesting.
I relapsed quite spectacularly with my Anorexia around October last year, I think it was my immediate way of coping when life was turned upside down for me and my family. Up until then I was doing pretty well with a semi high functioning eating disorder (story of my life) but I landed myself back with Eating Disorder outpatients in December after being admitted to hospital with very low potassium levels.. whoops. I am not allowed to stay in the community to work with outpatient support at the moment so I was put on the waiting list for specialist bed almost 2 MONTHS AGO. Yes. 2 months. It’s not like anorexia is trying to kill me or anything. There is a huge shortage of beds in the area so while I sit and wait I will be starting at a day patient unit next week which to be honest, out of the two options I would much prefer it if that worked out because the NHS has gone and banned smoking on their premises so I do not know what I would do with myself trapped in hospital. Oh and working with the day patient unit means I get to come home everyday (after an hour long commute) to my puppies and double bed which yes, has one of those super fleecy duvet covers on it because I am precious like that… priorities hey? I think anyone with an eating disorder will know what I mean when I say I kind of resent all the somewhat overpowering help I am getting now. I am extremely grateful I finally have a really good team at the Eating Disorder service but also…slightly resentful. Is that the right word? I’m not sure. I have had an eating disorder for 10 years now and I would say I struggled more at a higher BMI than I am at now. Nobody took me seriously all the time my bloods were ok and my weight was higher despite my mental state being pretty shocking due to the compulsive behaviours my eating disorder drove me to do. every. single. day. It is a well known fact that you have to be almost dying to get support with your eating disorder and that is pretty shocking.
Anyway. general mental health wise I am doing pretty well. I am pretty much mood stabilised but arguably over medicated. I had a medication change over a few weeks ago because my ECG’s were showing some very dodgy movements. The change over from quetiapine to olanzapene sent me hypomanic for a while which was fun. It always is.. until it’s not. I got two tattoos, spent all my money, couldn’t sit down for more than 5 seconds and filled the ‘notes’ app on my phone and covered my walls with post it notes with all the fantastic ideas I was having. There are some upsides to having bipolar but like I said.. its always fun until it’s not. When its not, life is pretty grim to say the least.
I really believe if I can recover from anorexia life will be heading in the right direction. I really do have so much to look forward to fight for. To anyone reading this and struggling too (no matter what your BMI is) it really helps to have a list of things to fight for and look forward too, even the smallest most simple things.
It won’t be easy, right now is the easy part… just giving into anorexia everyday because I am so sick of fighting it on my own. After all I have come through, I think I am going to do this and will make sure to share this journey with you all.